Epiphany...
It's been a weird week...A week full of realisations...and new insights...new ideas..epiphanies..
Sounds so da philosophical, no? Haiz...
You know..I just flipped through my journal; I have not written much...Not a big surprise..I have been writing in my lappy, but I guess it's not the same..holding an actual, solid, tangible pen and writing...seeing the words being formed..one by one...it's a whole different feeling, than typing...can you already sense how bored I am....damn...
I shouldn't be bored, to tell you the truth. I've got assignments..I should be busy working on them...but hey guess what..I'm not..ha-ha.wow.Banu. 0.o
Maen..I'm starting to think that I need to do something else...something new, something exciting..but I just can't put my hand on it..you know, pin-point exactly what I want to do. There's this urge...to prove myself. I'm not sure to whom, could be to prove something to myself, or to someone. I'll figure it out. I think.
I mentioned that it has been a weird week ryte. Well yeah, it's not just this week, it's been like that for quite some time now. Recent events got me thinking that I was a social retard. Seriously. Like, I was being odd and that it was scaring people off. Identity crisis; that's what it's called, I think. And I seem to be getting that alot these days...so yeah, it got me thinking.
And then there's those people. Talking to them, brings back my confidence that there's nothing wrong with me. Of course, I came to the conclusion that the earlier conversations that made me feel weird, were with the wrong people. It just doesn't click with some people, you know? Then, I quit wondering, but got a different idea instead - epiphany...a moment of sudden understanding...
I was quite a different person..say..5 years? ago...I was quiet, reserved and didn't have a lot of friends. I kept to myself as much as I could. People used to be scared of me..at least that's what some confidants told me..lolz. They saw me as this short-tempered person, who rarely smiled and didn't know how to have fun. Some called me a nerd who always surrounded herself with books and all things academic. Part of these were true. Some are still true, some are untrue. It all depends on the person who's observing.
Come 2005, I started to change. I still don't know what caused the change but I guess it was because I started to get lonely. I didn't mind the solitude till then. I didn't even realise that I was this gloomy person; i was happy being myself. I started becoming rebellious..i was 15, and yeah, could be the teenage thing..I started scattering my room with stuff. I was a neat-freak before that. I started going against my mum and sister...That was all at home. In school, I made more friends. I was LOUD, funny and I sang out loud in class...I was always jovial...of course, there were the relapses...but yeah, I was different and finally, with friends. This went on till I was in form 5. Seventeen. Hmm..
College. I maintained the personality. Correct me if I'm wrong, but friends usually describe me as: outspoken, friendly, crazy, bold, smart, I even got all-american-girl..lolz..Well, true. But I failed to realise that there is a downside to all of it. The person whom I was 5 years ago, is still here. I couldn't accept myself for who i was; I thought I HAD to become this totally different person.
I was improving myself. That's one way to look at it. I wanted to become a better person, someone who was well-liked. I wanted friends. Lots of em. I guess i overdid the whole change thing.
People took advantage...as a result..i didn't get much respect..I was TOO friendly...i gave in too much..I wanted to treasure each and every friendship i had. That's close to impossible, really. I realise it only now. I was this people pleaser you know?
So yeah, the epiphany thing i was talking about...it's this: I must accept myself for who i REALLY am. I don't have to change if I i don't want to . Changing is fine as long as I'm not forced into doing it. I was denying myself the freedom of being Banu.
I don't mind if I'm alone. I enjoy being alone. The solitude is non-suffocating. I'll talk to people only if I want to and if the situation requires me to do so. I don't have to pretend to like someone I don't. I don't want to paste fake smiles on my face anymore. Indifference...could be bliss at times.
I'll be who I want to be..not someone people expect me to be..
Sounds so da philosophical, no? Haiz...
You know..I just flipped through my journal; I have not written much...Not a big surprise..I have been writing in my lappy, but I guess it's not the same..holding an actual, solid, tangible pen and writing...seeing the words being formed..one by one...it's a whole different feeling, than typing...can you already sense how bored I am....damn...
I shouldn't be bored, to tell you the truth. I've got assignments..I should be busy working on them...but hey guess what..I'm not..ha-ha.wow.Banu. 0.o
Maen..I'm starting to think that I need to do something else...something new, something exciting..but I just can't put my hand on it..you know, pin-point exactly what I want to do. There's this urge...to prove myself. I'm not sure to whom, could be to prove something to myself, or to someone. I'll figure it out. I think.
I mentioned that it has been a weird week ryte. Well yeah, it's not just this week, it's been like that for quite some time now. Recent events got me thinking that I was a social retard. Seriously. Like, I was being odd and that it was scaring people off. Identity crisis; that's what it's called, I think. And I seem to be getting that alot these days...so yeah, it got me thinking.
And then there's those people. Talking to them, brings back my confidence that there's nothing wrong with me. Of course, I came to the conclusion that the earlier conversations that made me feel weird, were with the wrong people. It just doesn't click with some people, you know? Then, I quit wondering, but got a different idea instead - epiphany...a moment of sudden understanding...
I was quite a different person..say..5 years? ago...I was quiet, reserved and didn't have a lot of friends. I kept to myself as much as I could. People used to be scared of me..at least that's what some confidants told me..lolz. They saw me as this short-tempered person, who rarely smiled and didn't know how to have fun. Some called me a nerd who always surrounded herself with books and all things academic. Part of these were true. Some are still true, some are untrue. It all depends on the person who's observing.
Come 2005, I started to change. I still don't know what caused the change but I guess it was because I started to get lonely. I didn't mind the solitude till then. I didn't even realise that I was this gloomy person; i was happy being myself. I started becoming rebellious..i was 15, and yeah, could be the teenage thing..I started scattering my room with stuff. I was a neat-freak before that. I started going against my mum and sister...That was all at home. In school, I made more friends. I was LOUD, funny and I sang out loud in class...I was always jovial...of course, there were the relapses...but yeah, I was different and finally, with friends. This went on till I was in form 5. Seventeen. Hmm..
College. I maintained the personality. Correct me if I'm wrong, but friends usually describe me as: outspoken, friendly, crazy, bold, smart, I even got all-american-girl..lolz..Well, true. But I failed to realise that there is a downside to all of it. The person whom I was 5 years ago, is still here. I couldn't accept myself for who i was; I thought I HAD to become this totally different person.
I was improving myself. That's one way to look at it. I wanted to become a better person, someone who was well-liked. I wanted friends. Lots of em. I guess i overdid the whole change thing.
People took advantage...as a result..i didn't get much respect..I was TOO friendly...i gave in too much..I wanted to treasure each and every friendship i had. That's close to impossible, really. I realise it only now. I was this people pleaser you know?
So yeah, the epiphany thing i was talking about...it's this: I must accept myself for who i REALLY am. I don't have to change if I i don't want to . Changing is fine as long as I'm not forced into doing it. I was denying myself the freedom of being Banu.
I don't mind if I'm alone. I enjoy being alone. The solitude is non-suffocating. I'll talk to people only if I want to and if the situation requires me to do so. I don't have to pretend to like someone I don't. I don't want to paste fake smiles on my face anymore. Indifference...could be bliss at times.
I'll be who I want to be..not someone people expect me to be..
Comments
just b ur self
u r great wit it^^
thanks shy
be myself eh? What exactly is that? =p