Of marriages, engagements, children...and whatever new Banu is trying.

Things don't always happen according to plan. We plan, God decides, right?

I don't know if I ever had a plan.

I don't know why things have not gone the way they were supposed to. It's not easy seeing all my friends creating their own nests, like all normal 27-year-olds would do. Maybe my circle is such. That 20-somethings are supposed to be married and reproduce. And then there are the engagements. On a daily basis.

When it first hits your timeline, you're like, meh.

And then after the second, third and the tenth update, you're finally hit with the inevitable existential crisis. Like, what are you doing with your life Banu? You're not even getting to know anyone let alone be engaged...

My idea of a companion is different. I don't think of him as a husband though it may say so on paper. I don't think I'll ever conform to the traditional idea of being in a marriage and then childbirth. See I didn't even say family. I said childbirth lol. Cos I cannot see past it. I have all these issues with the very idea of childbirth that I don't see myself being a mother. There is no u-turn in that experience. It's a life-long contract signed willingly by you and your partner. Sometimes, him and you fall out and you would probably end up raising the child on your own. Hello visits to the therapist. Maybe not you, but you have to prepare yourself for the countless judgments you might receive from people around you, and perhaps from your child too.

See I'm just not ready for the risks. Marriage is not a contract I want to enter if it includes the prerequisite of reproduction. I just see one paramount thing coming out of it: companionship.

Not a popular idea. Not in my circle.

I do have a number of things on my plate now. Instead of you know the preconceived notion that most people have of unmarried people. I dance two types of dances, I've taken up Indian carnatic vocal classes, I do yoga, I'm about to join kickboxing, I am learning how to swim, and I try to fit in zumba too, on top of a full-time job. It's like sending your kid to all these classes except you're the 'kid'.

So no, I don't have much time on my hands.

So why does it freak me out when someone says, "yes teacher, better enjoy your time and all these fun things. Once you are married and have kids, you won't have the time".

Hold up now. Kids. Um, no thanks.

I'm not going to go into tirade of why I don't want to have kids (except I'm about to..just a little). I simply don't want to be responsible for a human and all that comes with raising one. I'm too selfish with my time and I cannot imagine having to divide my time forcefully. The key word here is "forcefully'. Because it has never been a conscious, default choice for me to give birth and raise a kid. Not to mention that childbirth alone would be like the Armageddon has just been unleashed in the labour rooom, or god forbid while I'm peeing or something.  And my body being torn apart is not just a nightmare for my 'husband' like Robbie William once said, "it's like your favourite pub was bein' burned down'. Yep, same here bruv. You think we don't like pubs? When the said pub is our heaven too? How can I consciously sign up to blow up my uterus and my vagina in such a way? No. Just no.

So does it surprise you that I'm single? Lol. Dating must be so much fun. Much goals. So wow.

I'm just saying, I don't know how things are going to be. But it sure looks messy. When you don't want the conventional things, it sure narrows your choices. I wouldn't change it for anything, though. Not myself, not my thoughts, my terms....don't lie about not having terms. Lol everyone has terms. Everyone has expectations. Nothing is unconditional except your mother's love for you. Motherhood that she chose to enter into. Ahem.

I'm just thinking I need ONE more big project. Speaking of project, I am working on a book of poetry too. So ...enough? Dating yes, family no. These two are on two different planes altogether and it shouldn't matter if you're married and a parent to do all the things you love to do besides parenting.

I really wish I didn't have to hear that I would have to stop doing all the things I'm doing now once I'm married. It's about fulfillment. Like if parenting fills up your plate and you do feel content, then it's alright. If you don't feel content, then I hope you don't resent the fact that your children are taking up all your time and energy.

This was supposed to be such a whiny post and really sad and thoughtful and hopeful. But it has taken a whole different turn. Lol sure helped me reflect.

I hope it makes you reaffirm choices that you've made and if it makes you question your current or upcoming choices, then well, it's a step towards change for the better :) and most importantly, growth!


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