Am I really?

Been a long long time since i wrote no..


A friend once commented that he noticed that I write only when I'm in negative mode. Not in those exact words la...but..meaning..when I'm upset..angry..sad...ha~ all that bodo feelings la..


So yea..my reply to that? Doesn't matter la ar..not relevant to what I'm about to write today..



Today, I'm not really angry, upset or sad, etc...just STAGNANT. No feelings. I'm feeling CALM, but can't explain why. Not that being calm needs any explanation..just that I've never been this calm and I've never questioned and not came to a conclusion about why I'm feeling as such.



I had this totally embarrassing experience with a senior in my college...about a month ago...don't know why, nothing clicked..I mean, I make an OK person to talk to la..but ah..when it came to him, conversation just didn't flow.



It was SO bloody embarrassing weh..I made stupid mistakes, lame remarks, the whole time we sms-ed, it was SO painfully awkward (even this word is la).


And then, there were the weird (again this word..must find synonym) bumping-into shit in the hallways. I swear la. I don't know WHAT the hell came over me..i just ignored him! like wth??? It was like he wasn't there. I ABSOLUTELY HATE treating people like that. I mean, i hate it when it people TREAT me like that. So duh la I won't subject another person to such a thing right.


You probably know why this affects me so much la...duh...i like the dude.


Was attracted..and so..wanted to know more about him la. Thus the mortifying attempts for that purpose la. Lol.


I'm glad I can do that. Laugh. At myself. Cos, if I didn't, the damage it will do to my self-esteem. HEH. Good god..but even then, I know I'll pick myself up. I'm getting pretty good at that.


There came a point that I just stopped trying to talk and chat him up. And I sort of decided not to beat myself up too much because of it or because of whatever that had already happened.


It didn't go well.


It didn't click


Right


So. OK. stop.



And when I did that, I kinda got the impression that he was perhaps not that keen because I was ...AHEM..a junior...a freakin 19-year-old junior..ha~ If that is, indeed the reason, well....shallow. Doesn't matter really. Cannot force a person into a friendship right....oh well~



And I also thought he was arrogant...



Now..I'm hearing that he's not...he's a friendly person...this is all according to a friend la ar.


And I'm going into that pit again. That I'm-not-good-enough pit. Sigh..


At the edge of it now..but nah...ain't gonna fall in..


Am just wondering, did i REALLY not perceive him correctly? Was I wrong?


I rarely read people wrongly...And I take my time to pass judgement, if any.


Hmm....